Why

It was about six years ago. At that time I was fourteen years old, grade two in junior high school. The weather was hot that day but the air conditioning in the mall made people feel very comfortable. The goods in front of me were neatly placed on the shelves. I do not remember what I wanted to buy that day. I just remember I was focused on selecting. Suddenly I felt someone touch my butt. No, it was not touching, it was stroking. I was scared at once. I did not know what to do. I wanted to shout but I did not. Until today I still do not know why I did not do anything. I did not dare to move for a few seconds. At that moment, all my courage had disappeared, though I clearly did not do anything wrong. I finally got the courage to turn my head. There was only one person in this aisle. It was a man and he was not very tall. His clothes were not very clean and he was also not tidy. I felt disgust the moment I saw him. I did not know if it was because of his looks or his actions. I wanted to call the police, or at least talk with the salesperson in the mall. I knew there were monitors everywhere in this mall. I was able to give this man a lesson but I did not do anything. The only thing I did was walk out of that shop as fast as I could. I was not a timid person. I had done a lot of things that made people marvel.

However, why was I scared that day?

Another story occurred four years ago. At that time I was sixteen years old, grade one in senior high school. It was a nice autumn. No one could have a bad mood when the weather was so comfortable, but I had a really bad day. When I walked in classroom after lunch, I saw many classmates surrounding my roommate who was also my best friend. They were talking about something and were really happy. I only heard one sentence which was from my roommate: “Her skin is pink at that time.” Then someone saw me and he told my roommate to stop talking. Everyone saw me and just left. I suddenly realized that they were talking about me. My skin is pink at that time? What did that mean? I got the answer very quickly. The guy next to me told that my roommate was talking about how I looked after I take shower. She said much more than that. The look of my hair, my back, and even the color of my bath towel was described in detail. I did not know why she would tell these things. I don’t think these are interesting or worth mentioning. Then that guy asked me: “Why did you buy a pink bath towel? Is it because your skin will become pink after the shower?” I was shocked. I did not know how to answer. And yet, I did not feel angry. My feeling at that time was just shock. I did not know what shocked me. Was it the guy or my roommate? I really did not know. I could not say any words. I was very embarrassed and nervous, though I did not do anything wrong. I wanted to ask my roommate why she talked about these things. But I did not. Though I knew she was a bad friend, I was still afraid to lose her. I had many friends so even if I lost her, I would not be lonely. I was just not sure if it was my problem. Was I too stingy so I was offended by her words? Did someone ask about these things about me so she chose to say? Why would someone do that? Was it because I did something wrong?

Why did I think of it that way?

The last story I want to talk about happened two years ago. At that time I was eighteen, first year in university. I don't have a very clear memory; maybe it was a cloudy day. There were some people doing sex education on the street and they were distributing condoms. After answering a question, I got one. I did not need it so when I saw someone who I knew I just gave it to him. I did not think much of it and I forgot that this action was sexually suggestive. I didn’t realize that I did an awkward thing until that night. Someone I knew told me that the guy was wondering if I liked him and he asked some of his friends about this question. I hurried to explain to him and apologize sincerely. That guy accepted it and I thought everything ended. However, this was where everything began. More and more people knew about my silly behavior and the story became different. When I heard it again, the story had become that I liked that guy for a long time and I begged him to have sex with me. He refused but I was very determined and I even went to his dorm. Finally, he agreed very reluctantly. There are many dirty words which other people described me but I do not want to explain in detail. I also heard someone thought I was a prostitute. I should be angry but in fact I was only afraid. I was afraid to go outside and I even did not want to attend class those days. I lied in bed for a couple days because I was afraid to meet anyone. I told my friends that I wanted to talk with those people who fabricated these lies. But they stopped me. They told me a story like this would disappear soon. Others would fabricate these lies because they had too much free time. I would never close everyone’s mouths, speaking out would only draw more attention to the false stories. I should be strong because everyone needed to face others’ words. There is a slang in China:“你能承受多大诋毁，就能承受多大赞美。”which means "if you want to get praise, you need to learn how to take slander”.

I kept telling myself this when I met blame without cause. However one day I suddenly realized that there is no necessary relation between praise and slander. I still can get praise without slander, right?

The last story hasn't ended yet. I posted some mean words targeting those people on Wechat (an app which is similar to twitter.) My meaning was kind like"Please stop saying things behind me. If you really want to say, you can say in front of me."I did not know if I could make any change but at least I did something. This time I did not choose to let things go like before. I am happy that I gradually became a stronger person over the years . I finally understand why I would feel afraid even when I did nothing wrong. That is because I was only a girl. We can’t be strong enough when we were still young.

I chose to write about these stories because I learned something about the fourth-wave feminism last week . Fourth-wave feminism refers to social media. People are opposed to female discrimination through the Internet. The most involved are the stars and celebrities. Before, I only knew about the first three waves of feminism, which were dominated by white women. Actually, until the fourth-wave feminism, feminism has still been dominated by those women who already have power. As we can see, most Ted talks about feminism are made by white female who is usually rich and has high education level. They are not afraid to say what they need and they are already strong. I think this is the biggest problem of the current feminism. I am not saying this is bad but this situation does exist: those who need help desperately can't get help.

Before, when I encountered things which I could not do anything about but being afraid. Because no one had ever told me what I could do. Even though no one told me what to do when I met bad things, I could take action. I also did not know that it was not my fault that these things happened. I believe that most girls have had similar or even more serious experiences. And I do not think all of them have the courage to say something for themselves. The feminism we are talking about today is far away from enough. I hope there can be another wave which can tell those girls what they could do and should do. They could ask for help from teachers and parents, or even call the police. They could ask others to stop talking about things we do not want to hear, and tell others their feelings. The most important thing is that they do not need to be perfect or strong. They will become better and better, but now they should just be innocent girls. I want them to know that there are many people willing to protect them until they are strong enough.

This is the feminism I want.