The feeling of suffocating kept coming back to me. I tried repeatedly to say, “I just can’t do it anymore” or “This is not for me”, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to tell my Bible study conductor that I decided to longer attend any more religious meetings. I didn’t know how to even begin the conversation, so I sat and ate my dinner in this small, cramped diner. There is nothing appealing about this place. The tables are so close that I can hear other people’s conversations. I can hear them laugh and giggle as I wish for them to be quiet and disappear. I wanted to tell her how much hurt this has caused me, but no words came out. As I faked laughed, I gripped my Bible tighter and tighter. How could I bring this up? Especially here? Everyone could hear me if they wanted to.
As I forced food down my throat, I know I have to say something; it’s been four years.
I looked at her and moved the conversation to the Bible. I told her that I needed to know what she thought about some scriptures that have been on my mind lately. She was enthusiastic; she always loved it when I wanted to talk about the Bible. We have been talking about it for ten years. I asked her what she thought about 1 John 4:11 which reads,“Beloved ones, if this is how God loved us, then we are also under obligation to love one another.” She said something about how great God’s love is and I agreed. She went on and on about his love and when she took a pause to sip her drink, I knew it was my turn.
“Why would God love you one way, but not another?”She knew exactly what I meant.
For the past four years, since my sister came out as a lesbian, she has been wanting me to disown her as a sister. I grew up attending the Kingdom Hall, as all Jehovah Witness call it, because I wanted to form a relationship with God. However, it was only me and my mother that felt this urge. She went to the Spanish service and I went to the English service. I was extremely young when I started attending the Kingdom Hall, my mother got me a Bible study conductor, Lori, that would teach me. Lori’s children had stopped interacting with her , because they did not want to become Jehovah's Witnesses. She told me that her children didn’t believe in God and thought of her as a crazy person. That was baffling to me, because Lori has so much love to give.
Six years after religiously attending all of my meetings at the congregation, my sister came out as a lesbian. My sister decided to come out with a brown paper bag over her head. When she took the bag off, she had no hair and said she was gay. My mom was furious, because my mom loved her long curly hair. However, my sister coming out as gay? No one cared. At least that is what I thought. Shortly after my sister’s coming out, my mom stopped attending the Kingdom Hall. Then she stopped attending Bible studies and before I knew it, she disassociated herself with the Jehovah's Witness religion. I soon learned that my mom was being pressured to kick out my sister, because she didn’t live her life according to God. However, my mom told me that I could still keep attending, so I did.
I didn’t experience the harassment my mom did-at first. After my Bible study conductor found out about my sister, she told me to leave my home, that it wasn’t right for me to live with a gay person, because God doesn’t accept gay people. I told her I had nowhere to go and she offered up her home, so I continued the excuses of why I couldn’t leave. This continued for four years.
My Bible study conductor tried to answer my question without answering it. For her, God will only love and accept someone who is able to fit in a man-made cookie cutter. I told her, “God loves you as you are.” I tried very hard to not raise my voice or start an argument, because I knew that wasn’t going to help. After we exhausted this conversation, I decided to bring up another scripture:
“Certainly if anyone does not provide for those who are his own, and especially for those who are members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith” 1 Timothy 5:8.
I ask, “Isn’t disowning your own family worse than not having faith at all…?”
Again, she dodged the question by bringing up other reasons of why it’s okay to disown a family member. All of these reasons have to do with the fact that this is the most loving thing someone can do. It will help the person who has been disowned, to realize their mistake and fix it so they can walk in love with their family and God. Unfortunately, she never gave me a straight answer. Tired of this conversation and tired of always having to make up excuses for why I can't move away, I decided to leave it all.
We continued to eat and once we finished our meal, I thanked her for teaching me about God and introducing me to many kind-hearted people in the congregation. However, I told her that it was time for me to stop attending the congregation. I explain to her why I wanted to stop attending without telling her the absolute truth, but I knew she knew. As I walked out of the diner, I feel as if I have disowned God and showed Him that I no longer love Him. As I continued walking home I realized that God will always be with me. I don’t have to worship Him in front of others or in fancy buildings, I just have to worship Him.
Yessenia Gomez was raised in a small town called Avondale, AZ, before moving to Flagstaff, AZ. Yessenia moved to Flagstaff to attend Northern Arizona University to study English and Criminology.
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